How to Survive the Dreaded Family Holiday Gatherings
As of this writing, it’s early November and already there is Thanksgiving looming around the corner.
This brings up memories from my childhood of going to a hall for Thanksgiving with relatives.
Yes…a hall. You see, my mother is one of eleven children and every Thanksgiving all of the families would get together at a hall because there were too many of us for a house.
This was the time of year that I got to play with the cousins that I didn’t see very often. But mostly, I played with my sisters and the cousins I saw regularly. We didn’t really know the rest of them so it felt awkward and forced.
As I got older, I began dreading this annual gathering. In high school and college, and even as a newlywed and young mother I dreaded Thanksgiving. Why? Because I was forced to make small talk…which I hated doing. I was pressured to kiss my grandfather and uncles either on the lips or on the cheek….which I hated doing. I was cleaning up with the other women while the men sat around drinking beer and watching football…which I hated doing.
I was programmed as a kid to get-along. Don’t ruffle feathers. Be a good girl. Follow the rules. Be nice. Hold your tongue. Nobody likes a downer and party-pooper.
So I went every year because I knew it meant a lot to my mother. She wanted all of her children there. I didn’t have the guts to tell her I didn’t want to go. I just did it because I didn’t know I could say no.
I was deep into people-pleasing. I did whatever was necessary to stay liked, loved, and accepted. Which included kissing uncles on the lips…eeew.
Now, I’m grown-up enough to know better. I’ve done years of unlearning and have come to terms with the fact that I forgive myself for what I didn’t know then, and I also have the strength now to assert myself with what I want and what I don’t want.
SO—if you’re feeling that dread in your body about the upcoming family gatherings you don’t want to go to—here’s a few ideas to help get you through it. The examples below are SETTING BOUNDARIES. A lot of people don’t know what boundaries are and so they never set them.
So first let’s be clear on what boundaries are. Boundaries are NOT controlling other people. Boundaries are what you ARE and ARE NOT comfortable with.
For example: “I’ll bring the potatoes to Thanksgiving, but if Uncle Dwight starts telling racist jokes, I’m leaving immediately and you can return my pot to me tomorrow.” This is a clear boundary. I do not listen to racist jokes. If someone starts telling racist jokes I’m leaving. I’m not going to sit there politely and pretend it’s not happening. I’m out. I don’t buy into the good-girl-just-get-along mentality any longer.
So do you see how this is not controlling Uncle Dwight’s behavior. He can still tell racist jokes if he wants to, it just won’t be in my presence. He has the choice to tell the jokes and I have the choice to leave whenever I want. I’m not telling him not to, just that if he does I will leave. It’s setting a boundary. This is what is acceptable behavior for me to be around, and this is what is NOT acceptable behavior for me to be around.
Depending on where you are on your unlearning journey, some of these options might not apply to you.
1-tell your extended family you’re not attending. No explanation needed.
2-tell your extended family you’re not attending because you’re starting your own tradition.
3-tell your extended family you’re able to attend for only 2 hours (and then stick to it and leave after 2 hours.)
4-tell your extended family you’re able to attend but only with certain conditions (see above example). And if someone or something happens that is not what you agreed to…just grab your things and leave.
5-tell your extended family you’re able to attend and let the cards fall where they may.
So let me know if you’re attending your family Thanksgiving! Do you have feelings of dread or not? Will you be setting a boundary with anyone? Just reply to the email and let me know!
