Judging Others

Ok, let’s talk about judgment.

Everyone does it. It’s a natural, egotistical thing that we all do as humans. Seriously. Unless you’re Jesus, you have judged other people.

But instead of talking to you about how to STOP judging others, or even how to embrace judging others (as is done in The Work of Byron Katie) I am going to go a different route with it.

I’m going to ask you to find the gift in judgment.

When you judge someone, you are unconsciously unlocking a shadow-side of yourself. What you are judging in someone else, is something you don’t like about yourself.

Here’s an example: awhile ago I was at a party and I overheard a woman I was standing nearby say to her husband, “Oh my God! Can you even believe so-and-so is wearing that hideous dress! She looks like a bag-lady. For heaven’s sake it’s like she belted a shower curtain around herself!”

In that moment I knew that she was not confident in what she was wearing. She didn’t feel good about herself or her body or the outfit she had on. She wanted to deflect the way she felt about herself. She ESPECIALLY wanted to know if her husband thought she looked okay, in comparison to the other bag-lady woman.

In our example, I would love to ask that woman a few questions, to help her find the root, and gift of her judgment.

A few sample questions might be: Do you know if bag-lady thinks the dress looks like a belted shower curtain? Do you know if she even cares about your judgment? How would you feel if that was the only outfit you could wear tonight? Would you expect any other women at the party to judge your outfit?

Depending on her level of consciousness, she might come to the realization that bag-lady bought this dress for herself because she thought she looked beautiful in it. She might admit that bag-lady probably doesn’t care about other women judging her outfit. She could be mortified at the thought of having to wear that same dress herself, and the prospect of being made fun of the exact same way.

Would she have answered the questions that way, I don’t know. I’m not going to project answers onto her. It could be that she would come to these realizations on her own or it could be that she’s just a mean girl picking on another woman because that’s what mean girls do. I do still see it a lot. It’s a middle-school trick that still plays out well into adulthood for a lot of women. Women pick on and make jokes about other women because it makes them feel better about themselves. Shadow. It’s shadow plain and simple.

So for me, I noticed the dress and thought nothing of it, and also said nothing about it to anyone. Did I think the dress looked like a belted shower curtain? No, not at all. Was it something I would personally wear? Probably not. I know how to dress my bumps and lumps and this dress would not have suited me. But did I feel the need to comment on it? NO.

So here’s where you get to benefit from this little example. It’s time to find the gift!

Think about a time when you have judged someone. Pick a good one because we all have a lot of examples to choose from. Now, go back to that time. Be there in your mind’s eye. See the place, event, people, circumstances of the example. Remember what your judgment was. Now, get to work.

What does your judgment of that person have to do with you? How does it make you feel to have that same judgment placed on you? What does that judgment say about how you think about yourself? Why do you think you felt the need to even judge in the first place?

When you become self-aware of the judgments you make about others you realize that you are ultimately judging yourself. Every. Single. Time. Because you feel inadequate in some way! Lean into that realization right now. Who or what makes you feel inadequate? What can you learn from that?

When I did this myself, I realized a certain person in my life contributed to my poor self-image for years. All of the negative self-talk I had about myself was rooted in my childhood feelings of inadequacy. It is WIDELY known that self-worth is constructed in childhood, particularly before age 10 in girls. So I had to go back in time and undo the damage that had been done. I reconstructed my self-worth and once I did that I no longer felt the need to judge other women because I was no longer feeling threatened by their displays of confidence. I wasn’t the scrawny little blonde girl seeking approval and doing anything to fit in anymore. I don’t need that outside validation to feel good about myself because it comes from within now. I know my worth. I know my value. I know my strengths.

And I know that by unlocking the gifts of judging others, it has allowed me the freedom to NOT feel tempted to judge as much anymore. I simply don’t even notice a bag-lady dress anymore at a party because I’m too busy living in the moment and enjoying it with my companions. The gift is that self-awareness frees up your mind from judgment so you can live a life filled with presence and love instead of criticism.

So the next time you find yourself judging someone, please stop and ask yourself, “What is the gift here?” Just allow your mind to wander around and see where it leads you.

As a life coach I know one thing: the answers are already inside of you. You have just been blocking them because of the social conditioning you have been raised with. It’s time for you to UNSUBSCRIBE from any beliefs that aren’t serving you any longer, and instead find the gifts in your own self-awareness and how that can serve you better and longer and more authentically.