I Am Not Afraid. I Was Born For This.

Recently I took a pause. I just started this UNSUBSCRIBED thing and then I decided to take a little break. Seems counter-intuitive when you’re trying to build something new but I knew it needed to be done.

One year ago was a VERY stressful time for me.

I was trying to be proud and happy for my oldest son as we celebrated all of his high school graduation events….while my Dad was dying a few blocks away. Oh, and also I was about to marry my niece at the end of May, so there were lots of things to do to prepare for that as well.

Dad hadn’t been sick long. It started the autumn before. His belly didn’t feel good and he was going to the bathroom a lot. He went to lots of doctors and nobody had a solution for him. It took awhile to discover that he had small intestine cancer, and if you understand at all how the intestines are smashed and twisted into your lower abdominal cavity, it makes it quite difficult to find problems like cancer.

So by the time it was discovered, it was very out of control. By the tenth of May, he was on hospice care.

I’m not telling you this story to elicit any feelings of pity. I’m telling you this story to admit that I was stuffing all of the emotions away, and simply surviving during that time. It was an effective strategy and it worked. But like all things stuffed down, down, down….eventually they force themselves back up like vomit.

And that’s EXACTLY what just happened.

Over the past year I’ve been numb. Yes, there have been bouts of tears here and there but I haven’t allowed myself a FULL release of my feelings.

So I just did that. The anniversary of Dad’s passing was a time for me to release everything I’ve been bottling up. I’ve been allowing myself to have the “BIG feelings” as people like to say in therapy.

BIG feelings to me is a simple concept. BIG feelings happen when you feel “it” in your eyes, throat, chest, and belly all at the same time. When you have that feeling, in those places, at the same time, you have a choice: suck it in or let it out.

Over the past year, I have been sucking it in. I’ve not been allowing myself to let it out. I would mentally say to myself, “NOPE, NOT HERE NOT NOW!” I’d repeat that mantra in my head until the BIG feeling went away.

But lately I allowed myself to feel it. To let it out. To have the BIG feelings no matter where I was, who I was around, or what I was doing.

For example, I met with my one sister on the anniversary of Dad’s passing and we got drunk. It happens. I don’t judge myself for it, so hopefully you don’t judge me for it either. Apparently, it was what both of us needed. Then we Facetimed our other sister in Texas and let the tears and snot flow right there in the bar, and didn’t care at all who was there watching us.

I also took time to enjoy nature, because that is where I feel connected to him. I made big campfires in our yard. I planted a bunch of flowers. I hung some bird-feeders. I weeded the landscaping. I planted my container garden of herbs, tomatoes, peppers, and lettuces. I sat in the grass and watched my doggies chase the birds and chickens. I allowed the tears and snot to flow, and just wiped them away with my t-shirt whenever they came, wherever I was.

BIG feelings are healing. It was time to acknowledge that there was A LOT placed on my shoulders at this time last year. Of course, I made it all look so effortless then, but it wasn’t. It was hard. It was big. All life-changing events happening simultaneously, falling directly onto my shoulders.

It was hard, y’all. But I also know that I believe in myself and live by Joan of Arc’s famous words, “I am not afraid. I was born for this.”

You see, I believe I’ve lived many lifetimes already. This is not my soul’s first incarnation on Earth. I’m what you call an “old soul” because….well, my soul IS OLD.

My soul has experienced love and loss before. It has felt joy and pride. It has felt wonder and abandonment. It has felt extreme sorrow and elating ecstasy. But I had forgotten.

We all forget. When we reincarnate on Earth, everything we have learned before is forgotten so we can fully experience this life we are in now. But the soul remembers. It’s a knowing, a feeling, an understanding.

My soul knew it could only stuff down the BIG feelings for 1 year. Then it was time to let it out. The soul knew, and since I am committed to living a soul-led life, the release of all these BIG feelings felt SO GOOD.

My soul said Thank You to itself, myself, us. Thank you for feeling the BIG feelings. Feeling is healing. We remember what it’s like because we’ve felt it before. You survived then, and you’ll survive now.

You were born for this, Barbara.